Words to Jack: haiku whispers

[machinery]

the afternoon after
hungover and
at the typewriter

looking out my window
blue skies
and my fathers silver silo

outside
the wind
pushes the corn

a black power line
lingers above the green grass
swimming in a sky of blue

three flies
against the screen
- - shoo!

mother comes up the stairs
asking me questions
and snapping her fingers

a butterfly
flies past my window
with its quick wings

[Hannibal]

Like I said, I like em!!! shoo!

they just really kinda catch me, small but snappy, and I can really see it.

[ranter]

what i liked ab out these ones were that even though they were all different little diddies, they were essential all the same thing.....it was able to flow man, and keep going for a while....one underlyin theme throughout.

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[parch]

ok
you wrote haiku.
nice.
you have nature element.
nice.
you have underlying images passing between lines.
nice.
you have laughter.
essential.
you have reality reality reality.
good.

you have words that cannot be translated ("shoo") very easily so that those japanese bastards that always fuck us when traslating haiku can finally have something to deal with. thank you. of course... japanese haiku enthusiasts probably won't visit this page and try to translate but if they did - haha.
you got 'em!

overall - improved.